I’m really starting to understand the meaning of willingness. Before this bout of sobriety when suggestions were made to me I’d acknowledge them but in no way consider actually doing. I’ve gotten to point where no matter how uncomfortable the suggestions made me are, or if I think they won’t help, I not only consider them but I also do them. I never thought I’d be somebody who would do that, would constantly concede my position on a situation, and continuously ask for help. I never imagined that I would pray, or be thoroughly honest. I have a rebellious nature and doing all these things go against my instincts in an incredible uncomfortable manner. But I also trust that these suggestions are in my best interest. I never thought I could have enough faith in someone to trust them when they ask me to do things that I don’t want to do, like being honest and meditating, and creating boundaries for myself. As hard and as uncomfortable as life is right now I’m so fucking ecstatic that this is where I am.
One thing I’ve learned in life is that once I start thinking about self harm its best just to go to sleep.
I love reading astrological sign stuff. Especially because every time they talk about mine it’s like you’re unemotional and distant but also kind-hearted and sensitive. Be careful because you say mean things. And I find it hilariously accurate to my existence.
Go away anxiety. I want to sleep now.
I think the universe is trying to tell me I need to start learning to make boundaries/deal with my trauma/behaviours learned from my parents. A few too many coincidences the last few days.
In other news I left a meeting when I began to be triggered rather than wait until I was in a panic attack. So that’s exciting. I was also able to be compassionate about the person being triggering. And then asked someone to stop raising they’re voice with me rather reacting in a bad way. New things new things.
Ah. I just love watching incredibly triggering movies.
You know what, I feel really fucking good. The last while has been incredibly strenuous, and heart wrenching and painful but I’ve gotten through all of it. Sober. It feels like I’m doing something with my life. I’m learning and growing and I have this amazing community. I literally am surrounded by examples of amazing courage and strength built from desperation and self destruction, and I have this feeling of “hey, I can do this too”. I’m learning to talk about things and be honest about it. I’m learning I can’t trust someone to help me and not mock me because I don’t understand something. I’m learning how to feel again. I feel so incredibly loved right now, not only by community but also by me. This is what hope looks like to me. I never felt like this when facing adversity. I feel in tune with world, and its amazing.
I really need to figure out how to get the past out of my head.
I don’t want to be awake anymore. I need to stop thinking.
I am literally the most awkward human.
Being 100% honest about things is actually incredibly hard..