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I do not know how to reconcile the past, as much as I try to. I obsess over ever detail. I play memories in my mind with painstaking intensity, making sure I’ve focused in on every detail. But memories are not tangible, I cannot rewind and fast forward, pause to dissect. My memories are riddled with holes from black outs. My memories have been tainted by my perceptions and perspective. I cannot squeeze the truth from them. As much as I try there is no one truth within my past. I can’t read another’s mind. I can’t remember exactly what I used to think. The obsessing does not help, it only churns my stomach acid and neurotransmitters. This obsessing only drives me to the edge. But I’m not really sure how to stop.

I have had the weirdest anxiety filled days the past little while. I couldn’t leave my house for the better part of today because I was so full of fear. When I finally did I was called lady and when into a bad anxiety attack. I haven’t had one not related to my ptsd in a very long time. I’m scared these feelings are going to stay for awhile. I don’t know how to deal with this if I’m back in school. I can barely deal with it now. I really wish things would hurry up and be okay. But I’m going to have to put in the work before that happens.

Things to remember:
•acknowledge I’m being triggered
•be kind to myself; leave a situation if I need to
•tell someone I’m having trouble
•don’t sit in it and say things like “it’s fine”, “I should be over it” or become angry that I’m anxious or scared or having flashbacks
•easy does it!
•it’s okay not to feel okay
•be proud of my accomplishments
•breathe!!

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