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Had my first appointment with a doctor to start my hormonal transition today. I’m pretty nervous about it all, especially that my mental health history will interfere with my ability to access hormones. But I also got the missing piece of my STP yesterday so I can start feeling a bit more comfortable in men’s washrooms. Which is exciting.

The cold weather affects more than just my physicality. It seems that the wind sneaks into my bones and chills them through and through. No matter how many layers I wear i cannot shake it. It leaves me hopeless, and exhausted, and incredibly lonely. I want to sleep and not wake up for a while. My skin is boiling but my inner self is still frozen.

I’m so filled with anxiety. It seems that there is a continuous stream of stressful situations going on in my life right now and I have no clue how to deal with any of them. That and the cold really just makes me want to never leave my bed. I dont want to sleep and dream. I don’t want to be awake and deal with the things that are happening. I don’t want to have to look at my feelings about things/people and figure them out. I’m confused and kind of scared.

I’m really starting to understand the meaning of willingness. Before this bout of sobriety when suggestions were made to me I’d acknowledge them but in no way consider actually doing. I’ve gotten to point where no matter how uncomfortable the suggestions made me are, or if I think they won’t help, I not only consider them but I also do them. I never thought I’d be somebody who would do that, would constantly concede my position on a situation, and continuously ask for help. I never imagined that I would pray, or be thoroughly honest. I have a rebellious nature and doing all these things go against my instincts in an incredible uncomfortable manner. But I also trust that these suggestions are in my best interest. I never thought I could have enough faith in someone to trust them when they ask me to do things that I don’t want to do, like being honest and meditating, and creating boundaries for myself. As hard and as uncomfortable as life is right now I’m so fucking ecstatic that this is where I am.

I think the universe is trying to tell me I need to start learning to make boundaries/deal with my trauma/behaviours learned from my parents. A few too many coincidences the last few days.
In other news I left a meeting when I began to be triggered rather than wait until I was in a panic attack. So that’s exciting. I was also able to be compassionate about the person being triggering. And then asked someone to stop raising they’re voice with me rather reacting in a bad way. New things new things.

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