I just want to trip hard, listen to Lorde and smoke cigarettes. I want to stay out all night and talk drug-induced philosophy. I want to sit in a smoke-filled basement, and watch the sunrise slowly peek through. Watch the day go by as the light moves across the room, watch ourselves slowly age and the days slip by.
how does one banish loneliness? i’m following the book and i’m still drowning. can’t i at least have one victory? this hole in my chest is killing me
I’ve never been very good letting go of the things that once made me happy, and too good at disappearing from thoughts when out of sight.
starting placement for the first time in an hour. mildly terrified.
I was sitting in group today and started having the worst flashbacks. I haven’t had anything like that in a very long time. It was fucking awful. It was horrendously vivid and real. Then while greeting, a greasy and disgusting old guy made a jokes about me and two women being his “prettiest girlfriends”. I wanted to vomit.
My foster sibling and her boyfriend are having sex in the room beside mine. I can hear the bed creaking. I can’t turn my music up loud enough to block it out.
Can’t find my binder. Fucking fuckity fuck fuck.
I am having too many goddamn feelings about my body today. My gender today was way too jagged today. I started the day feeling really feminine so I went with that, but then half way through the day it went super man on me. So I was feeling super boyish and needing to be read as a man but in a bra and low cut shirt. Less than awesome.
There are some days where you feel like shit no matter what you try to do to feel better.
It’s days like today that just suck. Yesterday I went through withdrawal but it barely compares to this feeling. The numbness from the alcohol is fading into depression and anxiety. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, my brain is barely functioning. Just getting through the next few minutes seems impossible. I feel so excruciatingly empty. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I’m going to be able to get through this.
I can’t breathe this hurts so bad
She stood before me an angel, with greener eyes than springtime’s bloom. I shook beneath her presence, all fear and consternation. Her timid smile showed her own apprehension but she broke through it with vibrant courage. “You are only brave when you face fear,” she tenderly told me “you are not brave to be afraid of nothing.” I feel as though I am her shadow. A terrified monster that hisses and spits venoms at all those who draw near. But rather than bite her hand, I ponder my potential salvation.
It’s been a long two years I can’t change the past. I’ve shed so many tears, can’t believe I’ve lasted this long.