Now Playing Tracks

I find it very difficult to be in large groups, especially when there’s multiple conversations going on. I start to come out of myself, I start to feel like I’m floating above. The noise gets louder and louder and I can’t seem to hear any of the words, just how loud it is. Its frustrating because I want to be able to hang out in larger groups of friends and have those kinds of get-togethers but those feelings are scary. It happens even when there’s nothing triggering my PTSD. Its frustrating not knowing why it’s happening or what I can do. I end up going for a lot of smokes and feeling out of place. It fucking sucks.

I do not know how to reconcile the past, as much as I try to. I obsess over ever detail. I play memories in my mind with painstaking intensity, making sure I’ve focused in on every detail. But memories are not tangible, I cannot rewind and fast forward, pause to dissect. My memories are riddled with holes from black outs. My memories have been tainted by my perceptions and perspective. I cannot squeeze the truth from them. As much as I try there is no one truth within my past. I can’t read another’s mind. I can’t remember exactly what I used to think. The obsessing does not help, it only churns my stomach acid and neurotransmitters. This obsessing only drives me to the edge. But I’m not really sure how to stop.

I have had the weirdest anxiety filled days the past little while. I couldn’t leave my house for the better part of today because I was so full of fear. When I finally did I was called lady and when into a bad anxiety attack. I haven’t had one not related to my ptsd in a very long time. I’m scared these feelings are going to stay for awhile. I don’t know how to deal with this if I’m back in school. I can barely deal with it now. I really wish things would hurry up and be okay. But I’m going to have to put in the work before that happens.

We make Tumblr themes