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Here comes the memory of that bathroom stall
A tiny capsule in a hospital.
Those tears of relief
And absolute fear.

No one held my hand
And I didn’t speak a word of the missed character
Two weeks after catastrophe
Blew through my body and heart.

Hiding. Keeping my blinds closed and the lights off. Covering the mirrors and occupying my mind with television and phone games. Tactics to avoid the anxiety crashing in my chest. How do I breathe again, can’t inhale deep, or release these demons. Scratching so deep, I’m bleeding. The monster inside my chest is breaking through my ribs. I’m scared what will happen when it comes out..

How do I rebuild a relationship with you? You’re tone crawls up my spine and causes cortisol to run rampant in my skull. You’ve become my own personal ticking time bomb. You don’t go off anymore but the chemicals in my brain remember when you did. The scars on my skin a continuous reminder of your reactions to my mental health and instability. I try not to blame you, but these damaging coping mechanisms were my only solution. I was too sensitive and too young and put you on the highest pedestal. You were my parent
But now I’ve found a home with a woman who doesn’t shame me. She doesn’t insult my body or my mind. I can be honest and seek comfort from her without being afraid. I want to learn to be kind to you without blaming and hurting myself for the past.

My lungs are on fire and I can’t stop crying. Every emotion and fear is wracking through my body and I can’t stop it. These flashbacks and this hatred of my body is killing me so excruciatingly slowly.

I’m a hair away from a full blown crisis. I keep shoving this emotions down throat, and creating my own personal ticking time bomb. I have no idea when I’m going to lose it, but I think it’s going to be soon and I have no idea how to prevent it.

We haven’t spoken in forever and I miss you, but I’m afraid to talk to you, just because it’s been so long. I hope you’re doing well, I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re learning new things and having amazing experiences. I hope you’re loved, and learning to love yourself. You were a messy part of my life, a good messy. I learnt a million things through all the ups and downs. You were there when I needed you. You’re a memory now and that’s okay, life never stays the same. But I wish you the best.

Can someone explain to me how to feel motivated for school? I’m so far behind on my work, and I still don’t even care to start. I’m probably going to fail this placement just because I’m so over it. How do I start to care?

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