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I had a really rough day today, but I went to a meeting and this guy I barely know made a huge effort to talk to me. I’d told him at some point last week that I was started doctor stuff to start hormones. So on the weekend he got someone to send me a bunch of links and things to be a part of on facebook/youtube. Then today he exchanged numbers with me and said to call any time about questions or feelings I’m having around it all. It was super nice and made my day a little brighter :)

These last two weeks have been incredibly difficult to move through and cope with. I’ve withdrawn from school, stopped osap and did an intake to start transitioning. I have to think about telling my parents about those choices. I did a phone intake that was incredibly triggering. I’ve run into two people who trigger me viciously. My twin left for Montreal for the year. But I also randomly spoke at a minute for three minutes, I have friends who will spend the whole night with me because I don’t feel safe, I told a friend one of the worst things in my past and they told me that it was okay, I have a sponsor I can call in crisis, I have a twin who always answers and returns my calls, I have a foster sister who will sit with me for two hours to make sure I’m okay. I have a lot of fucking things I’ve never had before. It may feel like I can’t cope but I am, in a way. I’m not drinking. I cried on the phone today. People say they love me. There is so much life now. It’s hard and it hurts but it’s going to be okay. And I might only believe that for a moment but that’s longer than ever before. Today was scary and painful but I’m alive. I’m fucking alive.

Today was a rough day. My back has been in a lot of pain, and it concerns me that the pain may result in me being unable to wear a binder. I felt incredible dysphoria around how I looked and about my body all day. I felt awful having to use the women’s bathroom and was referred to as ‘girl’ several times. I’m angry about all of it. I’m angry about my body and that I have to wait a couple of weeks before I see the doctor. I’m angry I have to wait three more months after that at least. I’m angry at people for saying transphobic shit, for misgendering. I’m angry at myself for not being able to pass, for not being able to stand up for myself. I’m so angry, and I’m so exhausted from it all.

I find it very difficult to be in large groups, especially when there’s multiple conversations going on. I start to come out of myself, I start to feel like I’m floating above. The noise gets louder and louder and I can’t seem to hear any of the words, just how loud it is. Its frustrating because I want to be able to hang out in larger groups of friends and have those kinds of get-togethers but those feelings are scary. It happens even when there’s nothing triggering my PTSD. Its frustrating not knowing why it’s happening or what I can do. I end up going for a lot of smokes and feeling out of place. It fucking sucks.

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