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I want to turn myself inside out. The black hole in my chest has grown too large and the way it pulls at my flesh to collapse is to strong for me to resist. I’m tired of fighting the craving, the voices in my head just scream so loud. I wish I knew how to quiet them. My body and my mind plot against me, tell me to destroy myself. Drink, drug, self harm, suicide. Things I used to survive on, always wanted me to return. Always wanting me to burn. I can’t outrun these demons, I can only outgrow them. But I’m just so fucking exhausted, hurt, terrified, angry, triggered. I’m tired of being all these things. I need to rest.

Good things I need to focus on:
I’ve been granted the willingness to do my step 4
My mother said I was warm towards her today, which is something I’ve worked very hard towards
Remembering step 3, and trying to stay connected
The people in my life who love me, and whom I love
I don’t live here anymore, and I am able to leave
I’m sober today and I’m no longer suicidal or in the dark places I have been when I lived here
I am no longer alone

I’m feeling too much, and I’m not surprised that I use to get drunk in this house. These walls and this old mattress seem to whisper and release every demon I’ve ever head. I dealt with them on this bed. I self harmed and drank and tried to kill myself in this bed. I fucked and loved and cried in this bed. The paint on these walls hold all the anger, rage, depression and pain of my childhood and teenage years. My heart is too heavy here, and my mind remembers too many things. I cannot breathe here, let alone sleep here.

It sometimes shocks me the way people react to the stories I tell about my mother. Often I will tell a story that I think is kind of funny, or eye roll worthy and people with respond as though I’ve said something horrific. I know a lot of things that happened when I was younger were incredibly fucked up and abusive, but those behaviours and occurrences were very normalized for me and it took me a long time to realize the worst of it was abusive. So I still exist in the place where I think a lot of the things that happened are normal, when in fact people react in horror. It bothers me that my understanding of relationships and parenting are still so skewed.

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