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It sometimes shocks me the way people react to the stories I tell about my mother. Often I will tell a story that I think is kind of funny, or eye roll worthy and people with respond as though I’ve said something horrific. I know a lot of things that happened when I was younger were incredibly fucked up and abusive, but those behaviours and occurrences were very normalized for me and it took me a long time to realize the worst of it was abusive. So I still exist in the place where I think a lot of the things that happened are normal, when in fact people react in horror. It bothers me that my understanding of relationships and parenting are still so skewed.

Had my first appointment with a doctor to start my hormonal transition today. I’m pretty nervous about it all, especially that my mental health history will interfere with my ability to access hormones. But I also got the missing piece of my STP yesterday so I can start feeling a bit more comfortable in men’s washrooms. Which is exciting.

The cold weather affects more than just my physicality. It seems that the wind sneaks into my bones and chills them through and through. No matter how many layers I wear i cannot shake it. It leaves me hopeless, and exhausted, and incredibly lonely. I want to sleep and not wake up for a while. My skin is boiling but my inner self is still frozen.

I’m so filled with anxiety. It seems that there is a continuous stream of stressful situations going on in my life right now and I have no clue how to deal with any of them. That and the cold really just makes me want to never leave my bed. I dont want to sleep and dream. I don’t want to be awake and deal with the things that are happening. I don’t want to have to look at my feelings about things/people and figure them out. I’m confused and kind of scared.

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